Thursday, June 7, 2012

I Decided to Return to Blogging

I decided blogging was good for me.  Not that I ever do anything, go anywhere, have anything to write about worth reading but it was good for me to force myself to do it so here I am again.   I have had a heck of a past 6 months of just not doing good with my various mental illness issues and withdrew into my shell to try to recover but that didn't work so well, so on to plan B..... Try to join the living again.  I tried to fix my background here and do some other things that I just couldn't get to work for some reason so I gave up and created a new blog ..... this blog is moving to this address....        come on over if you like.  If you read my blog please leave me a comment ... just nice to know someone is out there.  Have a wonderful day!

Friday, April 6, 2012


Kathleen, I got your e-card but no, I don't know your blog address or how to get in touch with you.  Miss you!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I guess you need my email address

RE: last post......Don't leave your email address here since everyone can see it ... send it to

Saturday, March 24, 2012

OK, Figured Out What I Am Going To Do

  1. I am going to cancel internet for a bit and get it back when my son moves to Washington, assuming he gets accepted at U of Wa...won't know until late May...or when I think I can afford it again, find the best deal, and if I even miss having the internet at home. Meanwhile, will see if I can find a cheaper provider, and if you know of one let me know.  When I put the trailer on this lot a couple of years ago I did not pay to have telephone wires brought to the house.  I don't remember exactly why...cutting costs probably.  I knew I planned to just have a cell phone.  Seems like I was going to have them run but the driveway concrete was already poured and they were suppose to be run underground right there....or I just dreamed that up.  Lordy, too much bad stuff has happened since then for me to remember but the important thing is I do not have phone service connections to my house so that means for the most part I have to have a sattelite internet service.  And if I am confused about that then tell me.  I currently have Clear.  It works, except occassionally it won't, but for the most part it works, but it is slow.  The service is not the best.  I have spent half my life (OK, that is an exageration but it sure seems like it) trying to get them to fix it but the people I talk to just say something like (when they check my pings) "HUH, that IS bad service....and s.l.o.w. and you are only a mile from a tower.  You should have great service.  Pings are sure slow.....yeah, you are right, this is not working well....." but that is as far as we have ever gotten.  and it is $35.61 so if you know of another provider for me to check out that might be cheaper please let me know.  I will check my email every few days.  I can use the library computers or take my laptop and access the library net from the parking lot even.  I can take my laptop to several places in town, like McDonalds, which would also get me out of the house, so not a bad deal.  I'm wondering if the cost of gas to drive into town to one of these places will add up to price of net though, unless I have my laptop and stop on the way home from babysitting (and yes, my son has net but I am not getting on it while I am suppose to be babysitting...Taylor and I have too many other things to do while I am there...she gets my undivided attention). 
  2. I am going to write what would have been a blog post for a few people who seem to care and have said they will miss it. Probably just once a week.  If I have your email address I will send it to you IF YOU TELL ME YOU WANT ME TO.  YOU MUST GIVE ME YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS (i have one for Tish,  Hope, & Tammy  so if that is not you then I don't have an email address for you).  If you don't want my blog post thoughts coming to your email IT WILL NOT HURT MY FEELINGS IN THE LEAST, I realize they are not prize worthy writings, are usually l.o.n.g. and are just me letting things flow out of my fingers mostly for therapy, and life is short. And by the way, Kathleen, got your invite to follow you on twitter but I don't twitter so I can't keep up with you that way and the email address I have no longer works.  I miss you so let me hear from you.  I want to hear all about Yellowstone for sure! 

Monday, March 19, 2012

This is probably the last post

This is probably the last post.  Thank you to my readers.  If you want to stay in touch leave a comment and I will check back when I can and I will make sure you have my email address or something.   I made some friends through this blog that I really treasure and that was pretty awesome.   I am just tired  exhausted. Mentally unstable.  Overwhelmed by  Sad. In the depression hell hole. Not well. And with the price of gas, groceries, etc going up I am financially screwed unless I can get healthy enough to get a job, and that (both lack of money, need for a job) brings on additional worry and stress.  Trying to live on the equivilant of minimum wage with a house payment, car payment and support two dogs (worth their weight in gold) is just stressful.  I can no longer afford the internet at my house so as soon as I can get one of my sons or daughters to handle the shutting it off for me (pretty simple task but too overwhelming for me to handle right now) it will be hard to post on the blog so this is probably goodbye.  I can check my email at McDonalds or a local bookstore so I will be checking it when I can though, probably once a week or less. The residual effects of the big panic attack from a few weeks ago are just hanging on.  I want to sleep constantly. I can't get anything done at home that needs doing.  I am having anxiety issues left and right.   It really seems like once I let the Pandora's Box lid open enough for one full blown major panic attack at the library the other day dozens of other anxiety issues want out of the box too and I have to squish them back in the box.  Actually, all of those things have been a big problem since last August when I went off the medication I could no longer afford.  I have actually been a total mess since then, just no one sees it unless you are actually with me, and my psychiatrist is just going to have to figure out something.  I am only good when I am with my grandchildren and I go into "use everything bit of strength I have to be the good, responsible Grandma I know I can be" mode, so thank God for them & the ability to pull up enough umptf to function when I am with them. Today I decided enough is enough.  My goal this week is to figure out what I need to do to get things in my life straightened out as much as I can.  I can't, don't want to, continue on with the anxiety problems like I have for the most of March.  I want to be able to do whatever I want ... volunteer, or have a part time job, go to church, whatever I want without suffering fake heart attacks and anxiety for weeks.  I see my psychiatrist next month and doubt I could get an appointment any sooner since it is at a free clinic but when I see her I have a written list of things I need to talk about with her.  I just have to have help to get better because this just isn't working for me.  I want to rejoin the world as a functioning person, or at least more functioning than I have been this month.  Anyway, if you want to stay in touch, leave a comment (if you want it then ask for my email address) and we will email if nothing else.   It will be several days until I can get someone to handle cancelling the internet probably so I will be checking to see if I have comments or emails.  I will also have one of my kids cancel my cell phone but my daughter is going to put me on her plan and I think it will have unlimited text.  She is doing that for me because I don't have a house phone.  Won't know about the unlimited text til we actually do it, or if my number will change. Thank you for all your kind words .... you can not imagine what a difference they made some days.  I read a lady's blog and today she had the most perfect thing.... a you tube video of Helen Reddy singing I Am Woman (you can hear a version at the link below).  That song became popular the summer I graduated from high school.  Throughout my entire life when I felt like I accomplished something I would joyfully sing that song to myself when I was alone ( I can not carry a tune in a bucket so I don't sing in public too often) or sing it mentally in my head if I were at work or something.  More often, during times when I needed encouragement and felt like I could only count on myself I would sing that to me and tell myself to believe those words.  Many a day, heck, most days, I sang that to myself on the way to work when I was suffering with depression to remind myself that I could handle one more day. 
 If I have to I can do anything. I am strong. I am invincible.     

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Spring Break

      Hi y'all!  I got rid of that yellow and gray background because it was just depressing to me and I can be depressed easily enough on my own. :) 
      After having the major panic attack over trying to volunteer at the library I have spent the past two weeks trying to recover.  It is sort of like give anxiety an inch and it takes a mile.  Headaches, anxiety, worry, stress, jitters, depression, feeling like I am having a heart attack all during the past 2 weeks. I am sorry I opened the Pandora's Box to free these anxiety/panic/heart attack feelings again.  I am really, really sorry.  I know some people think I made a mistake in not forcing myself to go ahead and go volunteer at least once but I know I made the best decision.  My body can not take this kind of stress anymore.  I have to get it under control and I have to do only things that bring me joy, peace, calm, whatever is the opposite of stress.  I'm trying.  I have to get the lid shut on this Pandora's Box of horrible feelings.  I have to recover.
      Feeling all those things above just exhausts me and then I sleep.  I have slept like a bear in hibernation.  When I have not been asleep I have been with my grandkids.  It is spring break and the weather has just been the 80's.  Could not have been more perfect.  My grandchildren are my saving grace.  They keep me laughing, bring me joy, happiness, unconditional love.  They are precious.  We played games.  My grandsons still let me read chapter books out loud to them.  We watched Mr. Popper's Penguins.  It was great.  I really enjoyed it (and I never expected to even like it). It is not the book of course, but a good family movie.  My youngest grandson had his birthday party at a bowling alley.  I didn't get to go ... there is no way on earth my nerves could have taken little boys and bowling alley noise!  I would have been bawling by the third frame.  I started trying to potty train my granddaughter.  She accomplished the task several times so it is a start.  My daughter-in-law and I talked about it might be too early, Taylor is 15 months old, but she seems to be indicating that she is ready so we thought we would give it a try but not push it if she can't control those muscles.  She obviously has the desire so we will see.  Her mom took her to a park this week that had baby swings.  She said Taylor belly laughed the entire time she was swinging.  If the weather is nice next week Casey and I will take her to that park.  Taylor spent this weekend with her other grandma in another town while her parents went to Dallas.  On my last day with her I cut her fingernails and toenails and polished them with pale pink polish.  She thought that was something! She would be playing with something and then come over and show me her nails.  Personally, I think the Lord should have put some kind of system in place that did not allow finger and toe nails to grow the first 3 years or so....or maybe ever!  I haven't met a toddler yet who was patient when someone was cutting their nails! 
      Today I made tuna salad for sandwiches.  I use to cook all the time. Big meals. Desserts. Snacks.  I just can't cook any more.  Making tuna salad was an accomplishment this week.  The "I am REALLY having a heart attack" has struck so many times over the past two weeks it has just been miserable.  My daughters and grandsons were coming for lunch today so I decided to make tuna salad.  Usually I boil an egg and chop up in there but today that was too much, too overwhelming so we did without egg.  I did chop up pickles.  It doesn't sound like much but when the tiniest things are overwhelming I take the steps I can take. And yes, I know how incredibly stupid that sounds. It is too overwhelming to put an egg in a pan of water and boil it, yet I can tackle the job of cutting nails on 20 wiggly, 15 month old toes and fingers?  I can't explain it any more than I can explain the tics my kids live with constantly, or any more than I can explain why my eyes don't see 20/20 or why the weather makes my daughter's fibromyalgia flare up.  It just is the way it is.  Some ... lots ...of very simple things are just overwhelming to me and feel exactly like someone telling me to push a 2 ton boulder up a mountain, in ten minutes or something horrible will happen.   I bought things to make strawberry shortcake since my grandsons really like that, but that too was too much for me to get done so my grandsons baked cookies from a "break apart the dough and place on a cookie sheet" package. 
      I read some good books over the past couple of weeks (you can see the titles up there on the right...books I have read in 2012).  I started a new series and I really liked the first book in the series.... Mama Does Time by Deborah Sharp.  I have just started the second out of 4 titles and I hope it is as good as the first.  This is how the author describes the series ... "They're traditional, with a Southern-fried edge: Think Agatha Christie, if she had a couple of cousins named Bubba."
      I LOVE Pioneer Woman.  If you didn't read her post Has That Ever Happened To You? under confessions then please read it if you like humor.... she is just so funny.  I love people who can laugh at themselves!
Birthday boy being goofy
10th birthday
Mason is 11
Taylor's kissy face

Saturday, March 10, 2012

If You Build It They Will Come

Using books to build community     <--- Please click on this link for a lovely story.  I LOVE this idea!  I would build one in my yard if my 2 dogs and the neighbor's 5 dogs wouldn't bark like crazy.   I never buy books since I use the public library constantly but if I had a "little free library" a bag of paperback books to stock it would be  cheap when they have the Friends of the Library book sale.  My sister used to live in a little bitty town that did not have a library.  I can just imagine a little place like that having "little libraries" here and there up and down the streets.  What I would especially love is if neigborhoods had them with children's books.  I used to go out to schools to do library programs and I would always ask "who has a library card" or "how often do your parents take you to the library" and it was truly heartbreaking to see how few children get to have the library experience.

Like I Said, I Amuse Myself

"Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves, for we shall never cease to be amused."

Author: Unknown
Since the last Morton's Neuroma flare-up I haven't taken anything for pain, like Tylenol.  After my major panic attack, mini mental crash the other day I have had a headache though and have thought about taking something.  Anytime my brain thinks "Tylenol" I think of the old days at the library.  There was a time when the library administration secretary kept "single serving" packets of pain medication in the office supply closet.  After I typed that I thought "dosage" would be more appropriate but I like single serving better.  Anyway (and any time I type "anyway" in my brain I hear Ellen's voice as she says that at the end of her show's credits) ... have I lost you yet??? Anyway, library employees used to be able to go to the admin secretary and get some kind of pain medication (and anyone working with the public on a regular basis has need for pain meds).  She stocked three kinds, Excedrin, Tylenol, and a combo pain reliever called Pain-Ease.  If you had a major big headache or cramps of some sort go for the big guns and start with Pain-Ease we used to say.  Well, I worked with a young woman, probably 18 years my junior, at one point.  I was about 38 at the time, making her most likely 20.  Mothering is what I do so I often "mothered" her.  This one day she had a headache, cramps, Aunt Flo was visiting and she just felt crummy so I said you need some Tylenol ... you sit down and I will go over to the office and get some for you.  She said no, get Pain-Ease instead.  OK.  I trot off to the office.  Before I get there let me tell you a bit about me .... I am clueless in many ways, I am naive, I speak with a funny combination ---- I sometimes talk really fast but people tell me I have a southern drawl, as in I really pronounce my vowels.  I'm guessing when I say Pain-Ease it sounded something more like Payyyn-Eeese, except sorta fast too.  Well, I get to the admin office and the supply closet door is locked.  It was lunch time and the secretary always locked up when she left her office for lunch.  OK, fine, the receptionist or Adult Services Coordinator in the ajoining office also had a key and so I looked for them.  No other woman was around.  I prefer to deal with women.  Men used to terrify me.  Oh, I should also insert that at that time of my life male authority figures really intimidated me.  Ok, back to my story.  Couldn't find a woman to ask but the assistant library director (a man, who sat in on my evaluations, who was my boss's boss) was watching the office reception area from the open door of his office.  He asked if he could help me and I said no I will just come back when the secretary is here.  He said something like well I would be happy to help you, what did you need from the supply closet? Obviously he heard me try to open the door. (Picture me sort of stuttering and intimidated by this -just-under-the-big-boss-in-authority male)   "OK, well, I was looking for some Pain-Ease."  He looks at me with a really weird look on his face, followed by a moment of silence, and then he says "Uh, Carol, I don't think we have any in the supply closet."  (me) "Oh, I've always been able to get some." (him) silence .... slowy says "well, I don't know where they would be" (me --- thinking what is wrong with him, duh, they have always been right there on the shelf at eye level) so I say "you know, right next to the Tylenol."  He says "ohkayyy", and gets up, goes to the supply closet, sort of not looking at me and unlocks the door.  He steps in the big walk in closet, looks at the shelves and I point and say "see, Pain-Ease, right there."  He picks up a packet, sighs a big light-bulb-going-off sigh, gets beet red in the face and says "OOHHH, okay. Here you go."  I thanked him and got the heck outa Dodge!  As I walked back to my department I was going over that scene in my mind wondering why in the heck he was acting so weird when I just asked for some Pain-Ease and why would that make him get red???  And then it dawned on me ..... he must have been hearing me say I need some panties.  20 years later and any time I think of any kind of pain reliever, or think of panties, I relive that sensation of wishing the floor would open up and swallow me, as well as often laugh at myself til tears run down ... my face, silly.   :)


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

In a Couple of Weeks I Am Sure This Will Be Funny

Today was suppose to be 80 degrees and as far as I know it was.  My grand-dog, Andy, lives in an apartment but he loves to come to grandma's house and play with my dogs, Zoe and Gracie.  Since it was going to be pretty outside today, and suppose to snow on Thursday I asked Casey if Andy would like to come spend the afternoon with us and burn off some energy wearing my dogs out playing.  I brought Andy home and ~ as pride goeth before a fall ~ I was pretty darn proud of myself for remembering to put him in the front yard instead of the back yard when we got out of the car.  My dogs have a doggy door that allows them to go in the back yard.  They only play in the front yard when Andy is visiting.  My next door neighbors have 3 dobermans, a pit bull and a schnauzer (and at any given time seem to have a litter of puppies).  All 5 of the grown dogs hate Andy.  The little schnauzer is just vocal and she is ok but the dobermans and especially the pit bull charge at my chain link fence and if only their teeth could bite through the fencing Andy would be an appetizer for them.    Andy thinks it is a great game, run like crazy the length of the fence ~ 110 feet ~ with these snarling, snapping, teeth baring, barking dogs running with him.  Andy barks his foghorn beagle bark egging on the 5 neighbor dogs, who have barks that do not sound even as playful as a rabid wolf.   His tail is wagging. Theirs is not.  Andy is a one year old beagle and can run like the wind.  The doberman's legs are about 4 times as long as Andy's so everyone is running at a pretty good clip.  Grandma is an overweight, out of shape, flabby woman who does not run.  This is why I was so proud of myself for remembering to put Andy in the front yard.  If he gets in the back yard the assault at the fence is on, Andy suddenly has selective hearing and can't hear me yelling at him to get in the house.  Ok, fine.  I put him in the front yard.  Mentally patted myself on the back and unlocked the front door.  What did Andy do? Went in the front door with me and ran like his tail was on fire to the doggy door and out to the fence to meet his "friends." Well, I am the only human here and the barking was loud enough to wake the dead in the closest cemetary--oh, 10 miles or so down the road--so it was up to me to go corral Andy and get him back in the front yard.  Did I mention the pitbull and dobermans like me even less than they do Andy? And the schnauzer, being a schnauzer like mine, adds her voice to the noise whenever I am in sight just on principle.  Here we go....of course my two dogs have joined in the chase and barking show....a total of 8 barking dogs and me running up and down the fence.  Me, running sort of bent over with my arms outstretched trying to catch that short, dadgum rotten Andy, puffing, panting and yelling for him to stop.  It was so noisy even my neighbor came out to see what was going on.  She never comes out.  She smokes.  Have I ever mentioned that smoke closes up my asthmatic lungs like nothing else and I would prefer the smell of  buzzard road kill vomit then the smell of a cigarette?  Ever notice how one filthy cigarette can pollute the air for a very long way? So, here is neighbor lady, no---she has never told me her name---out at the fence, puffing on her cigarette and watching me, NOT doing a darn thing to call her dogs away from the fence, mind you, just watching me in my pathetic bent over run trying to catch Andy.  Picture me panting out "hi" (puff puff pant pant) "just trying to catch my granddog" (pant pant)  "gonna get him in my front yard" (pant pant cough sputter).  She never says a word, even though she is not 6 feet from me, at least when I am down at that end of the fence.  Finally, my girls decide to run inside through the doggy door so Andy, bless his heart, considers following them.  He runs up my steps to the door, me hot on his heels lest he change his mind, when he whirls around to go back to the fence and I dive at him to stop him.  In the process I fall on the porch (pride goeth before a fall didn't I say) and I jam the toe of my shoe into the metal railing of the trailer house steps...or the end of the concrete sidewalk that is right there, I am not sure.  I just know my foot hit something solid with a good bit of force and whatever it hit stopped my foot on a dime.  Through my shoe it felt like my big toe either broke or jammed really bad.  The entire rest of the day I could barely stand to walk on that foot and laying here in bed with my laptop it is trobbing.  I am sure in a couple of weeks I will see something funny in this but right now not so much. 

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I Didn't Just Chicken Out or Give Up Before Starting ~ or What The Fight or Flight Response Does To Your Body

          A couple of posts back I talked about not only going inside a library but asking if I could volunteer .... and the branch librarian agreed I could come on Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons to shelve.  He is a real nice guy.  I have friends there.  It should have been a good place for me to be. I love to shelve.  I love putting books in order on the book truck.  I love straightening shelves.  I am the only person I ever heard of that actually enjoys reading shelves (checking to make sure everything is in order.)  Well, I made a mistake in asking if I could volunteer.  I should have just left well enough alone with going inside a library for the first time in a year.  I was not "myself" from the time I entered the building, talked to my friends, while asking the branch head about volunteering or when checking out.  Everyone there was super nice.  Warm. Welcoming. Friendly.   I was so on edge it was crazy.  I felt testy and I am not a testy person.   I felt so testy I could not even stand myself.  A reaction called the Fight or Flight Response kicked in.  My body is acutely familiar with it, unfortunately. Purple text is what I experienced those 10 minutes or so I was in the library and then the past 24 hours. Blue text is from an article on the internet on fight or flight response in humans.  The problem is the part of the brain the initiates the automatic part of the fight or flight response, the amygdala, can't distinguish between a real threat and a perceived threat, therefore physical changes are the same.  In the library my heart started racing and pounding and beating like it would pop out of my chest at any moment.  My friend, Carmel, knows some sign language and when she said something about it was good to see me I did the sign for heartbeat and knowing me she would know what I meant.  I had only been in the library maybe 45 seconds and it had already started. The cardio-vascular system leaps into action, with the heart pump rate going from one up to five gallons per minutes and our arteries constricting to maximize pressure around the system whilst the veins open out to ease return of blood to the heart. This can be an increase of 1200%. Not a pleasant feeling but I know it is because of the anxiety issues I have.  Mentally I know I am not having a heart attack but emotionally I think I am.  It feels like my heart will just explode.  Got in the car to leave and the panic attack was so fierce.  I felt so clammy and I wondered if I looked pale & sweaty. I felt grey. Blood vessels to the skin being constricted reducing any potential blood loss. Sweat glands also open, providing an external cooling liquid to our over-worked system. (this makes the skin look pale and clammy).  I expressed to Carmel that the library was soooo hot and she said within the hour the A/C would have cooled it down ... it was warm because they just opened.  No, I meant it was HOT but I know it is that my senses were on alert. I always feel hot during a panic attack.  Too bad my sense of hearing can't awaken and become better. Our senses sharpen. Pupils dilate (open out) so we can see more clearly, even in darkness. Our hairs stand on end, making us more sensitive to our environment (and also making us appear larger, hopefully intimidating our opponent).  I was so jittery inside I could barely stand it.  I hate that jittery feeling and once I get jittery it just goes on and on forever like the Energizer Bunny.  The respiratory system joining in as the lungs, throat and nostrils open up and breathing speeding up to get more air in the system so the increased blood flow can be re-oxygenated. The blood carries oxygen to the muscles, allowing them to work harder. Deeper breathing also helps us to scream more loudly!  Jitteriness results from activated muscles.  Remember I said I felt testy? I think stupid things probably came out of my mouth because I didn't feel like me or "sound" like me when I was talking. The natural judgment system is also turned down and more primitive responses take over–this is a time for action rather than deep thought.  When I have a panic attack I just feel like running...overpowered by the feeling to just run. Like I have enough energy to run all the way to the state line. That definitely is NOT a normal feeling for me.  Even as a kid I didn't like to run. Fat from fatty cells and glucose from the liver being metabolized to create instant energy  My mouth was so dry I couldn't stand it and I immediately drove to a Pak-a-Sak to get a Dr Pepper.  For once, instead of Dr Pepper I really wanted icy, icy water but I can't stand "store bought" water, I want plain old Lake Meredith or pumped-from-underground-&-filled-with-clorine tap water.  Actually I first got a drink from the fountain in the library but the desire to "flee" meant I couldn't stay there and drink until I was no longer dry mouthed.  Blood vessels to the kidney and digestive system being constricted, effectively shutting down systems that are not essential. A part of this effect is reduction of saliva in the mouth. The bowels and bladder may also open out to reduce the need for other internal actions (this might also dissuade our attackers!).  Thank God for small favors---I have never peed or pooped during a panic attack....yet, anyway. However for days after a panic/anxiety attack I have terrible stomach cramps, nausea and gastro-intestinal problems. There is at least one more physical change in the body but I can't really vouch for this one, except a  painful headache almost always follows a panic attack.  Endorphins, which are the body's natural pain killers, are released (when you are fighting, you do not want be bothered with pain–-that can be put off until later.)  By bedtime last night my body just ached and my muscles hurt. An alternative response which often comes before fight or flight is freezing.  Our muscles tense up to keep us still, causing knots in muscles.  It has been 28 hours since I left the library and my arm muscles still feel like I have been carrying around 100 pound lead weights.  Last night I also had a bombardment of suicidal thoughts...just for a few moments but I don't want to have them for even that long.  Two years ago I was bombarded with suicidal thoughts from January through April.  Feeling the pain brought on by fighting off those thoughts was horrible.  I cried all the time from the overwhelming pain.  I am positive most people commit suicide because they are bombarded by those irrational thoughts that are not there own, and it is so incredibly painful to fight them they just want the pain to stop.  That commercial that says "depression hurts - Cymbalta can help" - it means it when it says it hurts - there is pain, physical and emotional pain. I will not do anything I think might open that door again.  I am stronger than the thoughts, I will never commit suicide ... won't do that to my children or grandchildren ... and had the thoughts not stopped after a few moments last night I would have probably gone to the hospital.  I know that is the way to stop the pain ... go to the hospital and get help.  I had not had any suicidal thoughts since I left the hospital in 2010, that I can remember right now anyway, and I am not going to stress myself out until I have those thoughts constantly.  Never.Again.  Last night when I was fighting the thoughts and the depression and the stress and the tummy ache I kept telling myself it will be ok because laughter releases stress and I laugh a LOT while I am with Taylor.  I just had to make it til morning when I could go take care of my granddaughter and we would laugh.  Between my home and hers the most direct, fastest, and most sensible route goes right past the library where I worked for almost all of my 20 years.  I started crying when I saw it and cried for 10 minutes all the way to a Pak-a-Sak near her home.  I stopped there and got a Dr Pepper and a Donut Stop cinnamon roll and pulled myself together.  I decided I will not volunteer ~ just because I would love to do it does not mean it would be worth the stress.  I hate hate hate hate that my old self is gone.  I don't know if she will ever come back, but she isn't back yet.